Dappy

This little chap is perhaps the most richly undeserved of his Warholian 15 minutes of fame. Looking like Sméagol after looting JJB Sports, Dappy is primarily known for his choice in headgear, inability to string more than two words together and general cuntish unpleasantness (including spitting in girls’ faces, beating up his partner and sending poorly-spelled threatening text messages to Radio 1 listeners who object to his shitty little pop songs).

He’s a tiresome little twat who looks like a Spitting Image puppet that’s failed to set properly in the mould, and often sports one of those crap, wispy pencil moustaches unique to the juvenile criminal fraternity. Amazingly, he boasts as much as B in GCSE music and exhibits all the swagger of the class spanner at a school disco that everyone avoids because he's just a little bit creepy.

Wikipedia mentions he’s also a good friend of Chris Moyles, and indeed has been interviewed by the fat twat and less-than-comedic Dave on The Breakfast Show on numerous occasions. The Cuntometer must have been off the scale in the studio, the straining needle bending dangerously in an effort to register beyond the danger zone to accurately reflect the levels of cuntitude in the room.